5 Reasons You Might Have Shame
Shame.
Shame. Surely Not.
Have you heard about it?
Shame. Just speaking that word seems to bring an intense desire to hide or run away. Kind of like when we were younger and were caught with something we shouldn’t have, and our parents walked into the room. Immediately, we would drop the object from their line of sight to the underside of the table and fervently wish the authority figure would go away.
Why this reaction to just a word? Perhaps some don’t understand shame or the emotions its presence commands. Most of us have heard the phrase, “Shame on you!” You might have even said it! But why?
Shame had its austere beginnings in Genesis 3 with our illustrious parents, Adam and Eve. They took something they were clearly told to leave alone. When confronted, they attempted to hide themselves. God had a unique way of helping them through that process. Thanks to them, we are still dealing with shame and its fallout on all humankind.
Okay, but really?
What is it, and why does it seem scary?
“Shame is a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace. ”
Shame does its best work in hiding and contorting itself to appear as something else. Shame remains hidden while we struggle and fight to survive. Our noses are to the water line, and yet we don’t seem to comprehend the trouble we are having to exist and barely eke out our existence.
Bishop Chester Wright asserts it’s the main hinderance of the spread of the gospel worldwide. After a few years of both international and USA based travel, I sadly concur.
We fervently wish to be messengers of the atoning blood of Jesus and the freedom that blood purchased, but seem to be paralyzed. Stuck at the starting line.
Bishop Chester Wright says this about shame:
“Shame is never harmless, inconsequential, or easily ignored. It will not go away of its own accord. The person with shame will never outgrow it. Attempting to bury it in the subconscious mind only makes it more dangerous, destructive, debilitating, and insidious. And, finally, it only breeds more and more shame until it produces total spiritual paralysis. Eventually, it either destroys the affected person and their world or they finally get desperate enough to seek God’s help.”
Control
Feeling the need to control EVERY single things around you offsets the pressure that we feel from shame. When we control our every environment, our families, friends, and frenemies, the shame isn’t allowed to peak around the edges as much. We control what people see and what people aren’t allowed to see. We work so hard to control each emotion that we allow our people to see, since shame wants to keep us cloaked in secrets and drowning in despair.
Quote from Brené Brown
Secrecy
If we have pieces of ourselves that we keep secret, we most likely work overtime to make sure they remain hidden. Shame loves to keep us slaves to the darkness. Secrets. Darkness. Hidden places of the heart and soul that are never checked. Those places remain hidden as long as shame holds sway in our lives. The opposite of this is authenticity. When we are moving toward a healed state, we are finally able to let down our guard and to allow people into our messes.
“You are only as sick as the secrets you keep. If you are going to walk free, you must not walk in secrecy. It is a powerful thing to be open and honest. There is no healing where there is pretending.....We need to lay down our defensive shields that are attempts at self-protection and begin to establish some healthy boundaries for ourselves.”
Approval
This area is tricky. Shame forces us to obtain approval from almost every authority figure in our lives. The truth of the matter is even scarier. Shame forces us to wrench approval from anyone in our lives, no matter if they’re authority figures or not. We have a deep-seated, unknown need, a compulsive need to look great, dress in the latest style, wear the right sneakers, fix our hair just right, drive the right vehicle, decorate with the right feather pillows, select the most trendy songs for worship, etc. Whew! Take a breath! The list is exhausting. But that’s not all of the things.
Shame forces us to need approval for every single word and thought. We carefully dissect every conversation after we’ve had it to make sure we said and did everything just right. After just five minutes of this inside your mind, your soul is already worn out, and there are still hours to go in your day. Virtue is sapped. Exhaustion is winning. Actually, the unresolved shame is winning today and every day.
Approval addiction leads us to a dangerous place like a junkie entices a person with a compulsive habit. Functions just like a drug dealer. The desire to gain approval or to avoid rejection results in certain behaviors or characteristics.
See page 42 from Val’s book Journey from the Swamp for the list of approval addictions.
Perfection
This one dries up the soul so fast. The need to be perfect is one of the most exhausting workings of shame. When we have the inner drive to perfect everything, nothing looks good enough. Clothes. Kids. Decor. Cars. Bags. Hair. Again.
The cycle just begins whirling faster and faster until we are breathless and exhausted again and again. How did we get here? Did Jesus push us here? Did we push ourselves here? Why would we treat ourselves this way? Perfection is a task master that is never satisfied.
Hatred
Saved the best for last. This last aspect is the death knell. Shame leads us to a grudge against ourself. This is an intense hatred for ourselves that is sometimes volatile. The people who never once thought they’d be capabale of such angry, swirling thoughts, find themselves hating their own self. This is a vicious cycle of doing better, doing badly and then hating yourself even more viciously than before. Once we begin the downward march to the beat of the shame drum, we have been running errands in our minds with approval, perfection, control, and maintaining secrets. These four areas have forced us into areas of life that we would never have realized we’d be capable of in a million trillion years.
To quote from my book, Journey from the Swamp on page 62,
“You might know exactly what I am talking about because you also have lived with this intense mind struggle so long that you don’t even know what is normal. To live with a mind free from constant self-hate and self-condemnation is as strange a concept as your writing an essay in Mandarin Chinese. To live with joy and to feel the affirmation of the God we serve seem a pipe dream.”
Shame is secrecy, silence and judgment. You don’t have to live like this. You can truly find a life free of these horrible dark days and continual thought patterns. Just takes some honesty, vulnerability and openness with yourself.
“Honesty and openness lead to healed souls, which in turn allows us to be connected to God in a way we never thought possible” (page 81, Hughes).
If this article hit home….
Don’t be mad at the author. Don’t try to figure it out.
Yes, God is calling to you, even in the midst of your darkness.
Yes, you are not the only one to feel this. Don’t fall for that lie today!
Take one step into the light.
That’s it for today. Just one step. Read this again.
Tell yourself, I am not alone here in the dark.
For today, that is enough.
Embrace your story!
Move toward honest openness and vulnerability.
It’s the only way out. Promise.
Reach out to us if you have questions.
We’re not therapists. We’re not counselors.
Just broken folks that Jesus has redeemed from a lot of dark days.
We’d love to hear your story.
Conclusion
Take a minute and subscribe to our email list so you’ll be in the know of our tidbits and travels. You’ll have access to resources and tools.
If there is anything we could do to help you on your journey, let us know with a friendly comment or like! We’d love to know that we aren’t alone out here in this crazy web of information!
Just you showing up here in a little corner of the world means so much to us! Thank you for your time!
One favor? Please share this blog article if it was helpful to you in any way. We’d really love for folks to find healing through the blood of Jesus Christ!
Email us at kingdomadvanceok@gmail.com
Check out our links here